Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Can you bring me the toilet please
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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