How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dignity is for republicans.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
