Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
