the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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