All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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