I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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