I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
