hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
