The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
