Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
