i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
