Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
