wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
