Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize