Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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