last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
