i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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