When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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