and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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