Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
