They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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