please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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