After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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