lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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