I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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