So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
