I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Found your dick twin last night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
