No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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