We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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