Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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