Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
