I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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