I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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