I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
