please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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