Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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