hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My legs feel like baby dolphins
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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