Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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