Me. At least after what I've been through.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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