i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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