First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize