Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
