Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
