Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
