I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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