he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
