Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
