bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
They have beer where we have blood.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
