i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
