My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
