My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
