fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
