how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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