already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
