if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
