Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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