I must be too annoying 4 u.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
