I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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