Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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