im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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