Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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